I have a secret.
For the past few days, I've been guarding it close to my chest lest a jealous god slap me down again. Hiding it from the light of day so that no harm can come to it. I am almost afraid to say it out loud. I want to pretend it hasn't happened yet so that nothing can undo it.
I'm not sure if I want others to know yet. I want to indulge in it for a while, like quiet moments in a bath. Protect it until it has the strength to stand up to this world.
Maybe wait a few months as so many other women do. I don't want another roller coaster ride, the sudden high and the sudden low. To see again those uncomfortable faces that don't know quite how to say, sorry... But could I bear it alone if something goes wrong again? Live alone - for however many months - just because I am afraid of what life may throw my way?
But I don't want to say it out loud. So I'll whisper it.
I am pregnant.
I am excited and afraid. I want it to happen this time. I don't want my body to fail me again. I don't want it to give up and leave me. I want this one to be a fighter. One who will stand up to whatever this crazy world may sling its way and say, Shove it.
And yes, I feel incredibly grateful.