Sunday, December 7, 2008

Limits of Blogging

I guess the past few posts have been kind of depressing, huh?

I hope I'm not coming across as one of these self-pitying bores. The fact is that generally, I'm a pretty cheerful person, and I laugh very easily. When I'm with Jeff or my friends, we're often laughing, even if we are talking about the most unhappy events of our lives, not because we don't know how to talk about unhappy events but because we make each other happy. I am surrounded by amazing friends, the kind you know to cling onto your whole life, even though I don't blog about them very often, since I'm assuming they haven't abandoned their sense of privacy as casually as I have.

There are a lot of facets of my life that I haven't yet blogged about. Probably because as Tolstoy said (to paraphrase), happiness really isn't much to write about. The past month of my life has been difficult with my second miscarriage, for sure, but it hasn't been spent in the depth of despair, as it might seem from my blog alone. The rear of our house, wall to wall glass, looks out onto the garden, and my life is usually lived surrounded by California poppies, fuchsias, snapdragons, abutilons, and roses of all colors. But that is a view I haven't shared with most of you.

Here's how my life usually unfolds outside of the blog. A few weeks ago, through facebook, I found my fourth grade best friend from PS 20 in Queens, NY, and it turns out that she lives in the East Bay. The last time I saw her was when she was in college. Now, more than fifteen years later, we have reconnected, and we've spent several jolly hours catching up. Yesterday, she came over with her family along with a few other friends, and we passed the whole afternoon laughing, playing with our dog and their kids, eating, and then eating some more. I find nothing more satisfying than stuffing my friends with my cooking and then sending them home with leftovers.

And today, I am off to my book club, which we've had going for about 5 years now. The members of the club are the warmest bunch, and we love seeing each other. I'm sure we'll hang out for hours, as we usually do, gossiping, talking about the book (Christopher Buckley's Supreme Courtship), giggling, empathizing. Together, we have read over fifty books. And tonight, Jeff and I will be off to have dungeness crab (yum) with a high school friend of mine who's visiting from Michigan.

But would I have thought to blog about any of these events? Probably not. Because... well, because I don't assume that they are interesting to any one other than me. Also, I don't want my blog to be just a record of my daily activities, but a place where I can store some emotional truths (as pretentious as that sounds). In that process, this blog may seem a little weepy at times, perhaps a little intense, possibly somewhat imbalanced, hopefully not too neurotic. But I hope you will have the patience to bear with me.

If I ever have the occasion to meet any of you anonymous readers in person, I hope you will do me the favor of saying, "Wow, you're so different than what I expected!"

13 comments:

  1. I attended PS 19 for a year, then PS 13 for a year when I first moved to the US and I now live in the East Bay, so your mention of PS 20 prompted me to comment.

    Er... that was it. :)

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  2. Hi, eingy! Are PS 19 and 13 in Flushing as well? It wasn't until I moved to Houston (and wearing a "YMCA Flushing" t-shirt) that I realized the ridiculousness of naming a town Flushing. Anyway, hello, fellow NY transplant!

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  3. My mom went to PS 200 in Flushing. :)

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  4. Green, how fun to have this little connection!

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  5. Yes, they were in Flushing! :)

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  6. I don't think anyone disputed that you had a full life, despite the difficulties that you are going through. I figured you kept your "other life" private, and shared the private part of your life instead. Glad to hear that you are enjoying the beauties of everyday life.

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  7. Thanks, Anonymous. Guess it's my insecurity leaking through... = )

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  8. Response From December 8, 2008 10:24 AM

    Responding to your last note, I'd have to say that it is your openness about your vulnerability that makes you special, that makes us all want to come back to your blog day after day to read about how your life unfolds. Your husband is lucky to be with you, and your child will be equally lucky.

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  9. Dear Anonymous, I really, really appreciate your comments. I guess I'm trying to toe the line between being open about my vulnerabilities (which is just being human) and being self-pitying (which may also be human but which I CAN'T stand), but am unsure whether I'm succeeding. BUT it is impossible to control how others read/interpret what you put out, so I'll just keep blogging along. And thanks so much for reading. Readers like you make my day!

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  10. From December 8, 2008 12:13 PM

    Yes, Shinyung, it is impossible to control people's perception of oneself. Something that I have been thinking about recently. So we have to live our lives for ourselves, and in the best way we know; and to let other "details" just wash away like spring rain! Keep gardening, and meeting fun friends. Look forward to your next post.

    p.s. you said you like cooking, what kind of stuff do you cook?

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  11. Hi, again, Anonymous, I love to cook everything, but especially baked goods and hors d'oeuvres. Sometimes, I feel like the Cher character from the movie Mermaids with my skewered dishes and mini-bites. This weekend, I made a lot of Thai dishes, including green curry chicken, papaya salad, Thai fried rice with crab, chicken satay, Thai long beans, and mung beans in sweet coconut milk for dessert. The mung beans were my favorite!

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  12. Hey!
    I have that same insecurity, like, is my blog supposed to have some sort of theme? I created it to be able to print out at the end of each year (once I figure out how to do that) and to keep as a record of my year with my family. Sometimes I write the mundane, sometimes the quirky, sometimes the searching, but mostly whatever is important to me. At the end of the day, being true to ourselves is key. It seems like you already do that! :) My current issues are too raw (for me) to write about, but I write around it. It works enough for me.
    Take care! Glad you are enjoying life thru its ups & downs!

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  13. Hi, Marz, thanks so much for the encouragement and the assurance. It's always a comfort to know I'm not alone. I love reading your blog, esp. about the funny things your little boys do. The latest photos of your tortilla were pretty enticing. My mouth was watering...

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