Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I'm in my 12th week. The first one died on the first day of the 12th week. The second had already died at nine weeks and three days, even though we didn't know it until we went in for our CVS on week 12. So technically, this is the furthest I have come with any pregnancy.

Last week, we rushed into the hospital for an ultrasound after I had some spotting. Seeing just a spot of blood takes me back to that first night when everything gushed out, when I continued to drain in buckets until the D&C the next afternoon.

When we went in this past Monday, the doctor first tried to find the hearbeat with a doppler because the ultrasound room was in use. She slathered my belly with some jelly and pressed down the wand. She moved it around and around, and we silenced ourselves to hear the heartbeat. We heard static, irregular beat that abruptly ended, more white noise. After 30 seconds, she said, "This is torture. Let's move to the other room."

In the ultrasound room, the image popped up and much to our relief, we saw the little thing moving around, flashing its heartbeat. We were stunned by how big it looked. We had never seen the fetus past eight or nine weeks. Those had been the size of a nickle. This guy or gal looked the size of a hand, and we could see its legs kicking mid-air.

Walking down the street later that day, I passed a little girl carried by her mom. I realized that I had stopped imagining our fetus as a baby. I stopped thinking about the little outfits and the crib. I just focused on seeing its heartbeat from one ultrasound to the next. I had forgotten that it's supposed to grow into a little baby we would carry around like that mom on the street.

Tomorrow is my CVS. Despite everything that has happened, we are hopeful. Sometimes, hope can make you feel like a sucker. But we've been suckers before.


  1. I am really hopeful for you. I looked at the new chapter of the Mayo clinic book, as I'm in day one of week 13 (so 12 weeks and 1 day). I can barely believe it. I hope in 4 days, you'll be flipping to those new pages too.

    Tomorrow is our first set of tests for the integrated (quad?) testing we are doing. I am nervous but very hopeful.

    I just also found out this week that my friend who has miscarried around Thanksgiving is also pregnant after several months of healing and waiting. I am very hopeful for all of us.

    May 2009 be a fruitful year for our families!

  2. You are in my thoughs and prayers. Just relax and know that good things can and DO happen.

  3. I will totally be a sucker and hope along with you.

  4. Praying for you three. I remember wanting my two sons so,so very badly - they're both in their 20's now! All my best.

    I love your blog.

  5. Hang in there! I'm very hopeful for you too.

  6. ditto on what green said! hope everything goes well.

  7. So glad to hear your little one is doing well, I really, really hope everything goes well tomorrow and in the next couple of weeks as you make the transition to the second trimester. I have my first ultrasound a week from today and like you I'm feeling nervous but hopeful. I've had bad morning sickness this time so that's a good sign!
    Best wishes to eingy as well.

  8. Thinking of you and Jeff, and sending good vibes your way. P + H

  9. I've been and will keep praying for you and the baby! Good news!

  10. I'm also a sucker and have lots of hope for you too! Wishing you as easy a CVS as I had, and good results!

  11. thinking about you and your family!

  12. Wishing you a VERY uneventful procedure and pregnancy. I know that my doctor asked me when I was going to relax with my last pregnancy. Having lost the previous two, I replied "when this baby is safe in my arms, then I'll breathe". And I did finally breath again!

    (I can't type today; deleted the previous message because of missing lines...)