Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Our eyes were fixed on the black screen. When she moved the wand, the black gave way to flickering swaths of white, like milky ways arching through space. I squinted my eyes, trying to make something out of the undefined fuzz morphing in front of us. Then, suddenly a hint of a recognizable image appeared before us. In a split second, an image of the empty uterus flashed before my eyes. No, it can't be... And it wasn't. As I lurched forward, the uterus filled with a murky image - something, rather than nothing.

- Here is the little guy, said Dr. C, with her finger on the screen.

- Where?

- Here, see him? He's upside down. Here's the head. See the heartbeat?

- Where?

- Right here. See it?

As we looked, there was the smallest flicker of light moving in and out. And as I saw the little thing move, my body heaved, my chest filled with a surge of emotions, and tears sprang to my eyes. It was relief that set in, relief that said thank goodness, it's alive. Relief against the fear that I hadn't realized had taken front row seat.

Still, I'm not ready to believe just yet, even as I hold the photo of the ultrasound in my hands. My hopes are tempered, my enthusiasm curbed, my excitement muted. I'll wait until the 13th week, until a week after the last little one left me.


  1. Motherhood really does begin in pregnancy, doesn't it? : ) These early days are exciting and intense too! Good luck!

  2. Shinyung - I didn't realize that you had lost your previous pregnancy at 12 weeks. I am sorry to hear that. I feel your anxiety as I, too, have experienced the pain of miscarriage. BUT this time all will turn out ok -- you will be one of the millions of women who give birth to a healthy baby! After the next few weeks, I think your fears will lessen. All the best to you.

  3. Congratssss! Good luck! =D