Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This time

I had a feeling about it. I told Jeff a couple of nights ago. I don't think it's good.

He told me not to worry, we've had these little scares before. Don't you remember when we saw Dr. Moon? That turned out to be nothing. Maybe it's nothing again.

Maybe, I said.

But I sensed it, in the way my body felt less weighted and more alert, as if I had taken claritin for head to toe.

In the morning, I called the doctor's office. They asked if I could come in that morning, but having a brief to finish, I made the first available appointment for the morning after.

Then I went about the day as any other. I bounced along to circus music with little T as he played and replayed the ball popper we had recently purchased for him. I clapped along with him each time he applauded after feeding himself a spoonful of apple sauce. And cautioned him with my no, no, no's after he tried to mount Sherlock reclining in the sun.

When little T went down for his nap, I scrambled to finish my brief and prepare it for filing. In 45 minutes, I was done, just as little T screamed awake from his bedroom. It is always the days when I need him to nap when he naps the least.

After, we trudged over to the post office and stood in a line that stretched out the door to mail my brief to the Court and the service copy to opposing counsel. In that time, I chatted with a lady who was expecting her four grandchildren for Christmas as little T prattled away to a girl waiting in line behind us with her mother.

From there, we headed to Pho Time, where I ordered a seafood pho and little T waved at all customers who walked past our table. While I sat, I felt the little rumblings in my belly -- a slight tightness with a sense of bloating. And I wondered, but tried not to. I told myself it was only because I was focused on it so much that it felt different.

When we returned home, I wondered why my belly felt flatter than it had a few days ago. Maybe just my imagination. Maybe.

When I went to bed, I hoped that I wouldn't start cramping. I fell asleep in fetal position, cradling my belly, protecting it from some unknown force.

In the morning, Jeff asked me, how are you feeling?

No cramps, so maybe it's ok?

But when I went to pee, I knew. It was not ok. And after I showered and put on my make-up, I went back to bed and let Jeff hold me.

So we went through the routine again. Going to the doctor's office to be told what we already knew. I told the ultrasound technician -- apologetically as if I were wasting her time.

Well, let's see how it looks in there, she responded.

And the few seconds of searching, searching for that faint bleep on the gray screen -- the faint bleep we had seen just ten days earlier. As she moved the device over my belly, the image of the baby appeared -- the fuzzy head, the glob of torso and limbs. Still in there, in tact. As if it were still alive.

Seeing the little body made me break down, even though I had not planned to. I had planned to be ok this time.

And I was ok -- more ok than I had been before. Because this time, we came home to little T, who now waddles all over our house, opening this door and that. Who makes baby signs of the elephant, crocodile, and monkey. And asks for all sorts of food with grunts and little fingers. And plants big open mouth kisses on our cheeks, our foreheads, our noses, wherever his mouth happens to land.

For the past couple of days, I've had fleeting moments of resentment. Why can't I have it easy for a change? Why does it have to be some god damn trial each time? Why do some women just breeze though, but I have to have the worst always befall us?

But then I caught myself. It hasn't always been the worst. We have little T, and that wasn't the worst. By any measure. And seeing him waddle around makes me realize how much of a miracle he is. Me, with my decrepit eggs, being lucky enough to have landed at least one good one, one good enough to produce a perfect little being like him.

Jeff and I talked about how we would be ok without another. With just little T. How he fills us each day with so much pride, wonder, love, and a bunch of other feelings that have no name but cram our chests up to our necks.

As Jeff trailed behind little T as he picked up this and that in our walk-in closet, Jeff said, "Oh, little T, do you know how happy you make mommy and daddy? Do you know how much we love you?" And I thought about all the people who grow up in this world questioning the extent of their parents' love, and I wondered how that is possible. How is it possible to be a parent and not express the love you have for your child on a daily basis? Do people stop expressing their love for their children when they turn surly twelve? Do parents run out of time to hug their children and cover them with kisses when they have more than one child? What happens out there that so many children grow up yearning for their parents' love?

My D&C is scheduled for tomorrow morning. We plan to wake up at 5:15 to leave the house by 5:45 to get to the hospital by 6:30 for the 8:30 procedure. What a pain in the ass. If someone can come up with a procedure to sort out the bad eggs from the good, I'm sure he'll have investors lined up out the door. I guess at some point, I'll be too old to even worry about whether I have any good eggs left. And then I'll have to reserve all my smothering kisses for little T, who I'm sure will be perfectly grossed out by my behavior when he enters his teens. But there are worse things in life, right?


  1. I am so indescribably sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but it is so wonderful that you do have little T. I don't know why you have had such difficult pregnancies, but I can tell by the way you write just how much you cherish your son. He is so blessed to have you for a mother.

  2. I am so sorry to hear this.
    But even as I am sad for you, I cannot help but break into a big smile at your descriptions of little T.

  3. Oh S, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Your fleeting thoughts of resentment - I go through the same thing, then I look at little J and am grateful for having her at such a late age. The decrepit eggs - I complain about them all the time, then I realize that I did in fact "land a good one" (that made me LOL when I read it because I've been thinking about this a lot lately). Hubs and I are ok with 1 even though we had hoped for 1 more so J would have a sibling. I have a friend who plans everything to a tee and things ALWAYS workout for her including easy conception, pregnancy, and delivery. Things always seem to go her way and as planned. I have another friend who has been trying for years and years and has been through the ringer physically and emotionally trying to conceive just 1. Thinking about both makes me realize how the hand we're dealt in life differs from person to person. I guess it's how we deal with that hand and move forward is what matters.

    I'm glad that little T is doing great!

  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through this again. Just like how you helped me feel a little bit less alone when I went through my miscarriage, I hope you know I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

    Take care.

  5. Sorry to hear your news, but glad you're handling it so well. I know you won't give up hope. You're right - it's absolutely fine to just have 1. And it's also very possible that you will have another, so stay positive!

  6. I am so sorry to hear about what happened. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I am so sorry about your sad news. I have been in your shoes, and I can tell you that I am familiar with the pain.

    I have been reading your blog through your entire journey, starting in 2008. I wish you strength as you go through the D&C. Please know that all will work out fine - have faith.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss!

  9. I'm so very sorry to hear this news. As I started reading this post, I was hoping and hoping that it would end with everything being fine after all. Hang in there, and know that so many of us are thinking about you as you go through this crappy process again. Sending big hugs your way.

  10. I am so sorry to hear this. Please stay strong. You were able to carry little T full-term, that means you can carry another one (or more) till full term. I am sure we'll read about that one day.

  11. SO sorry to hear this news. God bless your little T, who can offer you so much happiness during this time. Stay strong, you are such an inspiration.