Monday, November 3, 2008

On Stolen Time

I am 11 weeks and two days into my pregnancy. It is now one day after the length of the last pregnancy, and I feel as if I'm living on stolen time. At times, I find myself stealing glances over my shoulder, looking to see who's out to reclaim this time and declare that this time was never mine to enjoy. When I tell my friends that I'm pregnant, I speak sheepishly, feeling like an interloper staking a claim to what isn't really mine. At other times, I find myself flinging back on the couch, relieved as a mound of silly putty that we've survived this far, we, this baby and I.

I still have not told my mother about my pregnancy. She calls every few days and always makes a point to ask, "How is your body?" A seemingly strange question, but one that asks without asking, are you still fertile? are you still trying? are you pregnant yet? My answer is always a curt "I'm fine" because I am a terrible liar and I can feel her staring through the phone into my blushing face and wondering what it is I am hiding.

I think of Jeff's 74 year old father's response back in March when we told him I was pregnant. He counted out six fingers on his hands and said, "I can last that long. I'm going to last long enough to take him to the Wild Animal Park." We also haven't yet told him about this pregnancy. We'll wait until the shadow of disappointment recedes into the closet, or at least under the shadow of our happiness.

I am counting the minutes until the second trimester as if it is my day of reckoning. I feel as if in five days, I can start breathing again. I haven't read any baby books since April and I haven't opened any of the documents I started back then, the list of baby gears, the list of to dos and don'ts when the baby arrives, the list of things we should know as parents. I don't have time for the future yet. I need to focus on keeping this little being alive, healthy, inside me.


  1. Having experienced the sting of miscarriage(s) myself, I understand your need to speak in whispers (even though you keep a Blog); your need to distance yourself from a happiness that is yours, and yet, only that of others.

    Look back on a few months ago, a time when you wondered whether you would ever be pregnant. And yet, right now, you have a child inside you that you nurture every single minute of every single day. The truth is, all that we really have is now - the past is gone, and the future is not here. It is almost certain that all will go well for you, Shinyung, so try to remain calm, hopeful . . . and yes, feel entitled . . . entitled to the happiness that IS in fact yours.

    You deserve the happiness just as much as anyone else - just as much as the mother of three or five, or eight children. Be thankful for what you have, and remain present in today.

    You are in my thoughts.

  2. This post made me teary eyed. Please keep up your hope. You must have hope. I am praying for you and your husband.