Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I am pruning the over grown tree in front of our house. It has been two years since I took the time to tend to it. During that time, I have seen its gaunt branches threaten to take over the sidewalk, slap the faces of unsuspecting pedestrians, and lurk over fragile windows of innocently parked cars. Today, I go at it with my lopping shears in hand, forcefully severing its limbs with broad swaths, watching the flutter of leaves as they dive to the ground, hearing the heavy fall of its parts. And I find myself wondering, why this sudden enthusiasm? Why today? Why am I so eager to cut through this life?

I sit with my laptop on my lap. I click impatiently, scanning the page for some magic words I have not yet identified, before moving onto the next link to begin scanning again. There are so many stories, so many women, so many lost children. I leave little notes here and there, desperate to connect, secretly begging for sympathy. When I look up, it's already noon. How could that be?

I run into an acquaintance I hadn't seen for months. I scrutinize her smiling face, wondering if I should say something or stay with the small talk. In the middle of Market Street with the buzz of cable cars and buses and pedestrians. When people are already starting to prepare for the holidays, and tourists bounce past the stores with maps and shopping bags in hand. And in my baggy green camouflage pants, raggedy fleece with a hole on the left sleeve, nondescript black shirt, I'm dressed as if I have disappeared, as if I no longer exist. I wonder if she wonders where I have gone, if I am lost.

I don't want this to be my life. Not the whole of it. I want to move on, not get stuck here. Please, not for too long...


  1. Your description of sitting with the laptop, searching for answers, information, sympathy, hope--that was me exactly.

  2. That was me, too. I spent hours and hours on the computer, searching for answers, searching for something, instead of crying.

  3. This piece reads just like poetry. It is poetry, even though sad. The sadness turns into a gem of expression with your undeniable literary talent. My heart goes to you.

  4. Thanks for reaching out to me on my blog. As I said on KM, I wish there was something insightful I could offer...my last baby, I was 10 weeks pregnant and I started hemhorraging on Mother's Day weekend. The ER doctors were so nonchalant about the fact that I was miscarrying. They did an ultrasound and we saw that the baby was still alive, but there was two rivers of blood pouring out of me for some inexplicable reason. The doctors and nurses told me to just go home and wait for the fetus to be expelled. I sobbed in bed and prayed that the baby would hold on despite the chaos that was occuring in my womb. I asked others to pray. And waited...waited...for days as the bleeding slowly stopped. 5 days later the bleeding stopped and I went to the doctor. The baby (Sam, who is turning one on Sunday) somehow survived. Even now, I remember feeling that my grief would be inconsolable if I lost him. Nothing could placate. I experienced a miracle and I believe all babies are miracles. I believe you will experience the same miracle. You are now more informed and you are a fighter--I just can't believe that it would not happen for you. Take care!